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How to Stop Letting Emotions and Fear Control Your Life
Your mind has a virus. Eliminate it and upload this new set of software that makes winning automatic.
Last week, I discussed the human mind and how society (and possibly you) has a flawed mental operating system.
People see and interact with the world in a way that doesn't let them succeed.
To sum it up, your teachers, parents, the government, the media, and others like them fed us this operating system at a very young age.
This has corrupted not only how we see the world but also how we interact with it.
If you pay close attention, you will notice:
Most people are emotionally reactive.
They let setbacks, criticism, and the fear of failure control their decisions.
They waste time and energy worrying about things they cannot even control, such as the weather, traffic on their way to work, or the person in political office.
Often, they let external validation dictate their self-worth.
You see it all the time on social media: People treat their Instagram profiles like make-up but of their own lives.
Social media is a platform that allows us to grow and connect with people from around the world.
However, we've reached the point where we may follow someone on Instagram, but all we see is their highlight reel, and we have no clue who they actually are.
All of these traits, the lack of emotional control, the over-thinking, the unnecessary anxiety, and the constant search for external validation are some of the qualities that are holding you and me back.
When you are emotionally reactive, you are a slave to your feelings.
As a result, you lack consistency, make poor long-term decisions, and allow outside forces to control your emotional state and, thus, your life.
If you overthink and try way for the "perfect time"…
If you're afraid of looking stupid or failing in front of others…
If you compare yourself with others and focus on others' progress…
= You become imprisoned by inaction.
This cage prevents you from taking risks—starting the business, making the call, talking to that cute girl, and putting yourself out there.
As a result, others — who aren't even as smart, talented, or good-looking as you — surpass you.
They get the grades you want.
They talk to the girl you wanted to talk to.
They get the job you want.
Let me know if any of the following sounds familiar:
You feel anxious often
You feel stuck with inaction.
You chase short-term comfort instead of long-term growth.
You seem to crumble under pressure.
If you fit into any of these, you will never reach your full potential.
You'll stay emotionally unstable, wasting energy on things you can't control.
You'll keep making excuses instead of taking action.
You'll let fear and doubt hold you back while others pass you by.
You'll live below your potential and look back with regret.
I felt this way for too long in my life and it's time you stop feeling this way too.
To stop playing life on defense,
We must first understand that our mind is like a computer.
Who we are and what we know is a bunch of programming that was uploaded by outside forces.
Before a virus infects your computer, it looks harmless.
It looks like a program that's meant to help your computer but does the opposite.
Bad neural programming infects a large part of your mind, preventing you from achieving everything you've always wanted.
You have a virus.
That's okay though, you're not alone.
My mind was infected with a virus for 19-20 years of my life, and I still deal with bad mental programming.
God gave us the power to clean out our mental computer.
We can wipe this virus from our operating system and upload new software that will help us instead of hurt us.
The great news is that we don't have to build this programming from scratch.
You can if you want to, but if you want to succeed, success leaves clues.
The most successful people across time have common traits in their programming and run on a very similar, almost identical operating system.
Top NFL teams, the Navy Seals, and legends across all areas have used this mental operating system to make their success happen by default.
This set of programming has been used for thousands of years.
It's not new by any means.
It will allow you to shift from being a dreamer to somebody who makes plans and makes them happen.
Enter, Stoicism.
A Mental Model Built For High Performance
The core of Stoicism is about acceptance and indifference.
You may have heard of stoicism, maybe hearing that it's all about being "emotionless", which isn't the case.
We all feel emotions, it's human nature.
Stoicism is about training your mind to operate on a higher level.
Our brain is like a muscle, if we want to lift heavier weights, we must constantly work out our muscles, and they will grow.
Similarly, if we want to be able to face greater challenges head-on, we must exercise our minds so that we can handle greater difficulties.
The Roman stoic philosopher, Seneca, put it this way,
"It is precisely in times of immunity from care that the soul should toughen itself beforehand for occasions of greater stress, and it is while Fortune is kind that it should fortify itself against her violence. In days of peace, the soldier performs maneuvers, throws up earthworks with no enemy in sight, and wearies himself by gratuitous toil, so that he may be equal to unavoidable toil. If you would not have a man flinch when the crisis comes, train him before it comes."
Stoicism teaches you to detach yourself from emotions that cloud judgment and allows you to make rational, strategic decisions.
It shifts your focus from complaining to controlling what you can and executing with discipline.
This is how you see professionals in all areas remain so calm under pressure.
This is how Kobe Bryant remains stone-cold right before hitting a game-winning shot.
Using stoicism, he has trained for hundreds of hours in the mind gym before he plays in a single game.
He said that his confidence came from doing everything he could to prepare before a game and that if you're feeling nervous, it's probably because you didn't prepare enough.
I want to show you how you can start training your mind too, and how you start building your mental muscle to handle greater challenges in your life and grow closer to your full potential.
Stoic Fundamentals: The Dichotomy of Control
Stoicism, at its root, is all about understanding the things in your life that you can control, and letting go of what you cannot.
We may not be able to control what happens to us, but we can control how we respond.
Think about all of the things that are outside of your direct control:
The weather outside
The traffic on your way to school/work
Your coworkers
You can make the list as long as you want, but the point is that most things in life are outside of your control.
If there is nothing you can directly do to fix these things, then why are you putting so much pressure on yourself in the first place?
Based on this list, what are the things you can control?
Weather → the clothes you wear, bringing an umbrella, etc.
Traffic → What time you leave, which directions to get there fastest, what you listen to in the car to make the time go by quicker, etc.
Coworkers → Your energy, your response, how you conduct yourself, and more.
It may be hard to find what you can focus on in the situation.
Often, we can't even control anything.
So it's important to learn to let go of those forces.
Don't let your emotions and ego get so attached to things.
The Buddha said the key to enlightenment was to remove attachment.
What things in your life should you detach your emotions from?
The Virtues Stoicism
In addition to the dichotomy of control, the stoics have four main virtues that are the pillars of how they carry themselves.
The stoics believed that the best life is one that is committed to living by a set of virtues, and ideals.
Holding themselves to the highest possible standard.
No matter the situation, the stoics relied on these four virtues to help them get through their challenges, and live life to the best of their ability:
Wisdom
Stoicism viewed wisdom as knowledge of what is good for you and what is not.
This coincides with most people's interpretation of wisdom, which is the combination of knowledge and experience.
The more we experience, the more we will learn what is good for us and what is not.
A common misconception is that wisdom naturally comes with age, but that's not always the case.
A 30-year-old who travels the world meets all different types of people and has a lot of experiences can be wiser than a man who's 10 years older and has lived in his hometown his whole life without venturing out.
Experience does not equal age, which means that we can gain wisdom by choosing to have more experiences in our lives.
Again, the dichotomy of control.
We can't control our age, but we can control the time we spend during our current age.
The learning is amazing because when we go through an experience, we can learn in 2 ways.
In a positive experience, we learn what to do.
In a negative experience learn what not to do, therefore, we get close to knowing what to do.
We grow in both scenarios, so we win either way.
Courage
There's a very common misconception about courage too.
People think that those who are courageous don't feel fear in anything that they take on.
However, everyone feels fear.
Fear is a natural response when we are faced with risk, to any degree.
However, courage is when we take action even when we feel fear.
Courage is looking at a crazy roller coaster, having that uneasy feeling in your stomach, and choosing to ride it anyway.
Courage is standing up and saying something that people are too nervous to say.
Courage isn't about whether we feel fear or not, it's about how we respond to fear.
When given a challenge, will you take it, whether you succeed or not?
Or, do you pass because you are afraid of failing?
"There is no dishonor in losing the race. There is only dishonor in not racing because you are afraid to lose.
Temperance
Temperance is the common depiction of stoicism we see in modern culture.
Self-control, discipline, and moderation all fall under the stoic virtue of temperance.
The stoics believed that temperance is the knowledge that abundance comes from what is essential.
When you focus on the essential, it has a "double satisfaction":
When you eliminate what is non-essential, you have more time and more peace.
You will focus on what matters with more time and more energy.
Most of what we do is not essential by any means.
By eliminating what is not essential, we'll be able to do less, and better.
It's all about freeing ourselves from the things that don't matter, so we can focus on the most important things, the things that truly matter.
"Ask yourself at every moment, 'Is this necessary?'"
Justice
Justice is about discerning what the right thing is at every moment that results in the common good.
Many stoics believed that justice was the most important virtue of them all, saying "Justice is the crowning glory of all virtues".
In every thought or action, focus on what results in the common good.
Justice is all about understanding that we were created to help serve the people around us.
It is within our very nature to help others and lead them to salvation.
“Seeking the very best in ourselves means actively caring for the welfare of other human beings.”
The stoics use challenges and problems in their life as an opportunity to express these virtues, and to build them in the face of adversity.
We cannot control the challenges that life throws at us, but we can choose how we respond.
We can respond with emotion or with ease.
We can respond with vanity or with virtue.
We can respond with anxiety or with action.
We can respond with paranoia or with poise.
These four virtues should be carried with you in anything that you do.
Here are a few more stoic maxims/sayings that elites live by and use in their daily lives.
Amor Fati (Loving Fate)
Every setback is an opportunity to grow.
Every challenge allows you to build your skills and build your virtues.
Appreciate everything that happens because God tests you through adversity.
Life doesn't happen TO you, it happens FOR you.
"The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way."
Momento Mori (Remember Death)
If you were to die tomorrow, would you be worrying about most things in your life?
No, you wouldn't.
We can use this focus on death to channel our energy into the things that matter, the essentials.
Treat your daily actions as those of a dying person's last wishes.
In life, there is a 100% certainty that you will die, it's only a matter of when.
We must seize every day we are given because tomorrow is never guaranteed.
"Yesterday was history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why they call it present".
My goal was to give you a 30,000 ft view of the art of stoicism and some ways you can start implementing it into your daily practice.
High-performers use stoicism daily to handle their challenges and focus on what matters in their lives.
There is a lot that goes into stoicism and the stoics have their perspectives on a lot of specific topics of our lives like money, relationships, and more.
I'll attach some resources below.
I hope you enjoyed this entry.
If you're not already, follow me on Twitter.
I'm most active on there and I talk about the lessons I'm learning in real time.
It's kinda like my public note-taking platform, I'd love to share it with you guys.
Big things are coming and I don't want you to miss out.
In the meantime, keep leveling up.
Godspeed.
— Ferrone
P.S
Ryan Holiday - Best for beginners
The Obstacle is the Way (Overcoming challenges)
Ego is the Enemy (Overcoming ego)
The Daily Stoic (Daily practical Stoic wisdom)
Marcus Aurelius
Meditations (Marcus' personal journal and self-reminders)
Seneca
Letters From a Stoic (Seneca's letters to his close friends)